I’m trying to get my life on track. I can’t say back on track because I don’t think my life’s ever been on track. There’s been times where I have crossed over the tracks, perhaps going forward for a few rails or whatever, but then some sort of intervention always ends up derailing me. Trauma, moving to a new city, transferring schools, depression.
Or perhaps I would take a detour on other people’s tracks, go for a time, but either the line would run out or I would realize this route wasn’t for me, and I would always end up trying to circle back. Always trying to push ahead only to return to where everything started. That’s the story of my life.
Damn, my life’s been unfulfilling. How did things end up this way? How did things end up so bad?
I didn’t know the answers then. For me, it was just how life was. With every derailing event, I’d jump from one train to the next, one interest to the next. It’s something that everyone does in their childhoods, I think, but somewhere along the way, a pattern develops or maybe someone just knows from the start what they want to do, and then they’re on the right track. Everything falls in line after that: going (or not going) to the right schools, going (or not going) to the right classes, getting to know the right people, choosing the right jobs.
Obviously that wasn’t my experience. I’ve lived a life where, for most of it, I would constantly make the wrong decisions, get in the wrong cars. It’s something I’ve beaten myself over, in the situation and longer afterwards. I would then isolate myself from the shame of it and relive that shame whenever I’m confronted with the reality again.
But, this experience no longer haunts me as much anymore, and I’m proud to say I stand by the decisions I make today. I’m also ready to share my experiences and the lessons I’ve learned up to this point in my life. Maybe it’ll help you connect the dots of your life (if it’s been anything like mine) or make peace with your past too. Or maybe it’ll make you feel better that your life hasn’t been as unfortunate as mine (jk lol).
-Z
