Had an epiphany while I was driving to the new house this morning. I was feeling a mixture of distraction and dread and dissociation, a feeling I often feel driving to work. A feeling like I wasn’t in the driver seat of life. Like I wasn’t living life but life was being lived through me. My dad had declared today we should prep my new bedroom for paint so that we can paint it tomorrow. Objectively, I understood we needed to do it and this morning was the most sensible time to do it, but I still felt the uneasiness driving there.
My mind then wandered to the past, as it sometimes does, searching for clues. First came the sadness and resentment towards my caregivers for not giving me a better childhood so I could’ve had a happier life now. Then, I thought about how often I moved as a kid and how I just went along with it without question. Packing and going through the motions of enrolling in a new school, all while thinking about my family as I try to justify the constant moving. This is the best for our living situation, I would think.
That was why I was feeling this dis-ease today, driving to the house. It reminded me too much of the past when I had so little agency and just went along with whatever my family wanted. Realizing this made me break out of my funk. I reminded myself I need to focus on the things I do have agency over (and actually act on them). I reminded myself it’s easy to fall into the routine of going along with what my job or my family or society wants and believing I have no agency. But, I AM the driver of my life and you certainly are the driver of yours. Don’t let anyone or anything make you forget that.
