I’ve been thinking a lot about joy and how it fits into my life. I’m definitely not a joyful person and I struggle finding joy in my everyday life. I’m not saying I’m all doom and gloom either, but joy has always been elusive to me.
As a kid, I definitely felt more joy, as most of us probably did. But even then, I don’t think I felt as much joy as the other kids because of my early childhood trauma. Whereas other kids may have found utter and complete joy doing typical kid things, like messing around with friends or going shopping or watching their favorite TV shows, fear was always a part of my experience.
When I was four, my abuser moved in with my immediate family. She stayed with us for around two years before moving out, but we would continue to regularly visit her until I was around eight. During this period, my nervous system could not relax enough for me to fully experience joy. I couldn’t lose myself in a TV show or goof around worry-free, without the fear that I would irk my abuser and be punished for it. Even when I wasn’t in her presence, the trauma had latched onto my mind like a parasite, and fear and uncertainty became part of how I saw the world.
I think that joy is the default driving emotion in kids because they want to have fun, they want to do the things that make them the most happy, even if they may get in trouble. I was like that before my trauma, as far as I can remember and from the stories my parents tell me. I would do things like wrestle with my brother or get excited over having chicken wings for dinner or color the white walls of our apartment with crayons (later my dad would have to repaint everywhere before we moved out).
After my trauma, though, fear took over. As I mentioned above, I couldn’t fully enjoy activities that other kids would’ve found fun. There may have been moments I felt joy, but they were coupled with feelings of anxiety, guilt and/or fear. Sometimes, I dissociated and was not in touch with what I was doing or feeling altogether, usually if something unpleasant happened or if I was subconsciously reminded of my abuse. Joy became something I couldn’t call on as easily, something I hid at times. Sometimes, joy was something I simulated, like an unwilling actor, to stay on the adults’ good side or to keep a friendship or to further delude myself that I was never traumatized.
(Let me paint you a picture of Inside Out: Zuko’s Early Childhood. Anger is bottled up and locked up in the memory vault of secrets. At the control panel, Joy desperately wants to control it but Fear keeps convincing her that my safety is more important than my joy. Sadness and Disgust occasionally influence the panel, but Fear sometimes drives them away too. Anxiety and Guilt make early appearances because why not and take turns with Fear blocking Joy from the controls. Joy begins to recede farther into the back of my mind. Pixar could never compete.)
Around other kids, following my trauma, fear became a part of my experience: fear of them not liking me, fear of missing out, fear of being lonely. I couldn’t experience the full joy and pleasure of being with friends without having fear attached to it. There were some moments of joy, of course, otherwise we wouldn’t have hung out, but joy was often not the motivator of me interacting with my peers. It was usually fear. Later on, after moving through a bunch of schools, I would also begin feeling sadness and shame meeting other kids.
Needless to say, this reaction and these feelings have been something I’ve had to work to unlearn around other people. And there are the things I’ve had to learn—that I am worthy of being someone’s friend, that friendships are one of the best things in the world, that I don’t have to have fear or sadness or anxiety whenever I meet up with someone. (To this last point, after a recent conversation that involved me revealing too much of my past traumas, I decided on a new rule for myself: I can only mention at maximum one sad thing whenever I meet up with friends. Rest of the time, I’ll try to keep things more lighthearted and positive and be present with my emotions.) Most importantly, I’ve learned that meeting friends and meeting people can be one of the joys of life.
Stay tuned for Part 2!
