I feel like I’m stuck in the story I tell about myself. Sometimes I feel very stuck in my own head and I know it’s not healthy for me and so I get out into the world to escape my own head. But the world often is disappointing, sad, and honestly I don’t feel entirely safe out in the world. I feel it can be deceitful. That’s my trauma speaking, but even from my own observations people don’t always say what they mean and often try to present themselves as something other than what they are. Fuck that’s a cynical worldview.
I don’t want to go into a tangent about how I developed this worldview so I’ll get back to topic. I swear I live in the same story over and over and I’m just in a prison of my own making. I have my own physical, objective limitations and I guess they became the foundations of my life and I guess I decided to build a prison on them cuz it’s the most natural thing to build. My worldview is really through a prison, and I need to escape it or destroy it somehow.
Easier said than done, I definitely know that. I know there’s a lot of unlearning I have to do. I guess it’s hard for me to not approach the world through that worldview. A worldview of doubt, cold objectivity, and limitations. I need a worldview that is more lighthearted, more spontaneous, more magical, maybe even borderline delusional. 👀
I definitely had more of this worldview in my childhood, but life and reality kinda sucked it out of me. But I dissociated a lot during my childhood and most of that whimsy was in my daydreams. But now I need to find it in real life through friends, through fun places and events, through movies and shows.
And, of course, through how I live my life. The other day I randomly thought about taking acting classes. (Why not? I already pretend I’m not depressed whenever I’m out in public lol.) Maybe that’ll be my ticket to recovering that whimsy in my life…
Read Part 2 here!
